We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
JetCityOrange is the voice of Jerry Whiting, live from Seattle. Unabashedly leftist, Buddhist, photo nut, walking bundle of contradictions. In short, a character. Dad to 3 sons, Cleveland born, a vegetarian before you could spell it. Also found at JetCityOrange.com
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
DIY Homebrew Webcam How-to
Ever want to put a live webcam of the Space Needle on the internet using stuff you have lying around the house? I did and then I did.
Labels:
Seattle,
Space Needle,
webcam
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Altoids Tin Prayer Wheel
Imagine my surprise when my YouTube video was featured on a wikiHow page about Altoids tins.
The one in the video I made for Miranda, of Seattle Dharma Punx fame.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Rock, paper, scissors meets beer
Play rock, paper, scissors with your beer. Or while drinking beer. Well, just after opening a beer. If it's Sessions Lager. Oh just watch the damn video...
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Why won't ABC air this alternative energy ad?
ABC is refusing to air Alliance for Climate Protection's Repower America ad. Why? Because it dares to challenge Big Energy?
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Androd FX on the iPhone
Android FX for the iPhone absolutely rocks! I can play with it for hours. I even used it for the soundtrack for "Barcode Dogtags".
Friday, October 03, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
With Glowing Hearts
For all of you who still believe that the International Olympic Committee promotes understanding, love, and unity through sports, think again. These assholes claim to have copyrighted the phrase "with glowing hearts" in advance of the Vancouver winter olympics. Hey bozos, this is a phrase from the Canadian national anthem.
Don't believe me? Read the lyrics to Oh Canada in Wikipedia for yourself. "With glowing hearts we see thee rise"
I'm a short 2+ hour drive south of Vancouver and I'm in the phone book. Come git me!
Don't believe me? Read the lyrics to Oh Canada in Wikipedia for yourself. "With glowing hearts we see thee rise"
I'm a short 2+ hour drive south of Vancouver and I'm in the phone book. Come git me!
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